Abi Nako Or So I Thought – Jhoanna Lynn B Cruz

a happy note One day Learn to Dive in Nine Steps, More or Less 1. Get on the Boat n my first dive in 2007, the year I moved to Davao, divemaster Mudji Mamora promised me this: “Diving will give your writing more depth.” He knew exactly what to say to convince me to let go of my old fears of the deep; I wished it would be prophetic. Maybe being a divemaster and holding a PhD in biology teaches one truths that are not available to ordinary mortals.

He also assured me that he will do all the work, that I should simply enjoy myself. That should have been reassuring, but I was thirty-seven, and by then, I had learned how promises like that usually go. As we went deeper, I remember feeling the air pressure in my ears- so painful, like my head was going to burst.

I tried to “equalize” by pinching my nose then blowing to release the pressure, but it didn’t work. I panicked, feeling the pressure go down to my chest, like I was drowning. I motioned to ascend. Mudji brought me back to the shallows, and I practiced equalizing while kneeling. I soon realized my mistake: because I was accustomed to snorkeling, I automatically opened my mouth to breathe each time I pinched my nose.

When I finally managed to equalize, and we descended, it was terrifying to look beyond the scenery and realize the depths we were in, the water so dark and blue beyond. I felt my chest tighten again, but I just kept breathing as instructed. We went down to thirty-two feet, where there was a concrete A bi Nako, or So I Thought sculpture by Davao artist Kublai Millan: Baby in a Crib. The ocean was a womb, and my new self was being birthed instead of being taken. When we ascended, I felt baptized properly into my new life in Davao, where I had fled with my two children after my marriage ended.

It would be seven years after when I finally took an Open Water Diving course and got certification.

Cruz, Jhoanna Lynn B. Abi nako, or so I thought/ Jhoanna Lynn B. Cruz.- Quezon City: The University of th~ Philippines Press, [2020], C2020. pages, cm ISBN 978-971-542-924-5 1. Autobiographical fiction, Philippine (English) 2. Women authors, Filipino. I. Title. 899.2103082 PR9550.9.C7 P020200058 Book Design by Alvin J. Encarnacion Printed in the Philippines by Econofast Press ► For my mother, Rebecca Louisa, my children, Veda Sachi and Raz Hiraya, and all who do me the honor of calling me “Nanay” PUBLISHED BY THE UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES PRESS E. de los Santos St., UP Campus, Diliman, Quezon City 1101 Tel.

Nos.: 8925-3243, 8926-6642 / Telefax No.: 8928-2558 E-mail: [email protected] Website: press.up.edu.ph © 2020 by Jhoanna Lynn B. Cruz All rights reserved. No copies can be made in part or in whole without prior written permission from the author and th~ publisher. The author owns the copyright of the pictures unless otherwise indicated. The National Library of the Philippines CIP Data Recommended entry: Cruz, Jhoanna Lynn B.

Abi nako, or so I thought/ Jhoanna Lynn B. Cruz.- Quezon City: The University ofth”e Philippines Press, [2020], C2020. pages, cm ISBN 978-971-542-924-5 1. Autobiographical fiction, Philippine (English) 2. Women authors, Filipino. I. Title. 899.2103082 PR9550.9.C7 P020200058 Book Design by Alvin J. Encarnacion Printed in the Philippines by Econofast Press – For my mother, Rebecca Louisa, my children, Veda Sachi and Raz Hiraya, and all who do me the honor of calling me “Nanay” “Writing is making oneself visible … . The woman who writes thus finally enters.”

-Nicole Brossard Contents Acknowledgments xi Prologue Nesting Arsenal 3 SapayKoma 11 Days Like This, Mommy Said 21 How I Wonder What You Are 43 Staying Alive 55 Shaken and Stirred 67 Abi Nako, or So I Thought 77 Dear Joy, Erased, with Thanks 87 Learn to Dive in Nine Steps, More or Less 93 How to Deal with a Secret or Two 107 Claiming Our Inheritance 125 Do Not Resuscitate 131 In the Fellowship of the Martyrs 163 Coming Home: A Study in Disaster 179 The House on Macopa Street 189 Buying the House on Macopa Street 191 Epilogue Directions for My Care 209 References 215 About the Author 217 ‘ I Acknowledgments T his book took ten years to live and write.

In those years I have received much support that I am deeply grateful for.

This is a short excerpt from the opening of “” by Unknown, quoted for review and introduction purposes. All rights belong to the copyright holders.

Book Information

• Unique ID: 003d89fdeff02cee
• File Extension: .pdf
• File Size: 51,366,227 bytes (48.987 MB)
• Title: –
• Author: Unknown
• ISBN: 9789715429245
• Pages: 232
• Language: English (en)

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