Crucial Conversations 3rd Edition – Joseph Grenny

For two hours, each group feverishly laid out what it wanted in the future and then taped the lists to the wall. When they finished their assignment, the groups were asked to swap places with the goal of finding something—anything—they might have in common. After a few minutes, the two groups returned to the training room. They were positively stunned.

It was as if they had written the exact same lists. They didn’t merely share the shadow of an idea or two. Their aspirations were nearly identical. All wanted a profitable company, stable and rewarding jobs, high-quality products, and a positive impact on the community. Given a chance to speak freely and without fear of attack, each group laid out not simply what it wanted, but what virtually every person wanted.

This experience caused members from each group to seriously question how they had judged the other side. They began to see others as more similar to themselves. They realized the petty and political tactics the others had used were embarrassingly similar to the ones they themselves had employed. The “sins” of others were different from their own more because of the role they played than because of a fundamental blight on their character.

They restored Mutual Respect, and dialogue replaced silence and violence for the first time in decades. We know we need to have both Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect in order to have an effective dialogue. We’ve also argued that you should be able to find a way to both find Mutual Purpose and enjoy Mutual Respect—even with people who are flawed or different.

But how? What are you supposed to actually do? Here are four skills that the best at dialogue routinely use to build safety up front in a conversation and rebuild safety when it’s been lost: • Share your good intent. • Apologize when appropriate. • Contrast to fix misunderstandings. • Create a Mutual Purpose.

Share Your Good Intent As we have discussed, if people aren’t sure of your intent, they will assume the worst. We saw this with Oba and Mari. Oba opened the conversation with a seemingly innocuous statement: “Mari, I was wondering if we could talk about what happened on Friday night—you know, when you got home late from work and went straight to our room?” He asked to talk and related the facts.

And what happened? Mari immediately got defensive. Why? Because she assumed Oba was bringing up this topic so that he could criticize her for her behavior. And why wouldn’t she when that’s how he framed the conversation? He set the whole thing up as “Let’s talk about you going straight into our room.” It’s no surprise that Mari felt unsafe. But let’s step back for a moment.

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