Laptop Of The Gods A Millennial Fable – Peter Chippindale

All I want is a few facts and figures.’ ‘With all this going on?’ the figure exploded. ‘Next you’ll be wanting to know how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, or some such tomfoolery. ‘Well I just work here, right? Any more questions, ask at the desk.’ The screen blacked and slid back into the floor. ‘Sorry about that.’ The desk angel leant forward conspiratorially. ‘To be perfectly honest, we’re a bit passé here, for want of a better word. Things are a shade — how shall I put it?

— difficult. ‘I’m sure they’ll settle down after we’ve rejigged.’ He brightened up again. ‘There’s even talk of church attendance going up! ‘Meanwhile, though, I don’t want to waste your time — or mine.’ He gestured at the illuminated manuscript. ‘Why not take my tip?’ he whispered furtively. ‘Try the millennium section. ‘Meanwhile, please accept this bible with my com- pliments.’ Cupid took the proffered volume and weighed it in his hand. It might not answer his quest, but it was smaller and lighter than the directory. He could take it back as the proof Mercury required.

‘Would you sign it for me, please?’ he asked politely. ‘With pleasure.’ ‘To Cupid. Blessings on you, Archangel Gabriel,’ Cupid read upside down as the quill scratched wet ink across the flyleaf. ‘Thanks, Gabriel.’ ‘The blessing of GOD almighty . . .’ Cupid slipped the bible into his pocket and made for the exit, where he was immediately caught up in a mass of ghosts surging excitedly towards the sparkling sign beckoning from the distance: MILLENNIUM ENTERPRISES Along with everyone else, he quickened his pace.

His quest, it appeared, was nearly over. a ere al cist» pa Se Sr 1eis > Chapter 16 Challenged ot N o wonder Gabriel had pointed him in this direc- tion, Cupid thought as he saw the glittering array of hi-tech units stretching out in front of him to the outer limit of the dome’s vast curve.

Everything up to now appeared hopelessly old- fashioned as he was swept along, dazed and buffeted by the cacophony all round him. Everywhere hysterical ghosts were scrabbling to clamber aboard the different organisations competing through screaming signs — And towering above them all, way, way up in the dome, the huge illuminated display: DON’T JUST GET A Strategy? Cupid frowned uncomprehendingly. Quite apart from which, faced with such a plethora of bewildering varieties, where did you start?

The answer immediately became apparent. You didn’t start on them. They started on you. ‘Hello, sir! I know your one desire on your return to Earth is to be mega-rich.’ A sharp-suited ghost had accosted him with a determination fully matching the Jehovah’s Witnesses. ‘Well, lucky sir, your search is over!

Copyright © Peter Chippindale, 1998 The right of Peter Chippindale to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 This book is copyright under the Berne Convention No reproduction without permission : 6 ? ? 4 6 ) All rights reserved MOR AY CO UJ N CIL Simon & Schuster Ltd West Garden Place partment of Technical Cue & Le ‘ Su fe S e ri C Qa S Simon & Schuster Australia a Sydney A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN 0-684-48113-X This book is a work of fiction.

Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, events or locales, is entirely coincidental. Typeset in Goudy Modern 14.5/15.5pt by Palimpsest Book Production Limited, Polmont, Stirlingshire Printed and bound in Great Britain by Butler & Tanner Ltd, Frome and London Acknowledgements I owe special thanks to my wife, Susie, and my friend, Roger Michell, for their encouragement and support, along with Ray Bowler, Charlie Dancey, David Leigh, Helen Wood and Steve Dooley, who also helped with the manuscript in their individ- ual ways.

Grateful thanks in addition to my agents, Carole Blake and Julian Friedmann, and my editor, Gillian Holmes. Above all, though, my greatest thanks go to Nick Webb, both for having faith in this publication and for making it possible. eB Mian: a pan Sa iit a at a # Mihi tl t ah te Peter for my son, Jon 4 Contents Prologue I PART I I Fired Up 23 2 Doom!

Doom! 35 3 Ghost U-Like 43 4 Fenced In 51 5 Terminal Error 59 6 Me Pirst 69 7 The Red Baron 77 8 Teatime Blues 87 9 Stretching It o7 10 Tempus Fugit 107 II Bowing Out 123 I2 Retroland™ Rules 135 26 Oy. 28 2 30 =| 32 33 34 35 36 PART 2 Bread of Heaven Hacked Off Seek and Ye Shall Find Challenged Crashed Cuddled Crashed Again Dungeons and Dragons It’s All Aura Now M for Mystery Cutting Edge Mein Kampf Canned PART 3 Solsticed Headless Turkeyland Gone Bananas All I Want for Christmas Oranges and Lemons In Aura Time Teaser 3] Pooled Stoned Back to the Future Epilogue 149 157 173 187 201 2ZL1 219 229 239 255 269 277 287 299 309 > on?

5O7 a7 363 369 385 395 403 413 Prologue 5}, he Factory was roaring. And Jupiter loved ic. The buzz. The crack. The sheer exhilaration of being here in the Planet Earth control room in the land of the gods while the earthlings approached such an epic moment in their history. The energy he and his fellow gods and goddesses were pumping out to help them!

This is a short excerpt from the opening of “” by Unknown, quoted for review and introduction purposes. All rights belong to the copyright holders.

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