Leaving Home The Art Of Separating From Your Difficult Family – David Celani

He dismissed the contradictory reality of his high scores on his college entrance exams by saying that the testing company had made a mistake. Not surprisingly, his father (who was unaware of how abusive he had been), took credit for Richard’s high entrance exam scores, noting how successful his educational program had been. Richard’s father’s poorly controlled wounded self, which acted out sadistically toward him, was never openly acknowledged and thus both father and son were prevented from seeing how badly the father had undermined his son’s sense of self.

Predictably, Richard’s impoverished developmental history came back to haunt the entire family. During his first semester at college he experienced a complete emotional collapse as he did not have enough of an identity or internal strength to allow him to separate from his abusive (but still needed) parents or to face the demands of school. He returned home a failure and took a number of menial jobs, but his wounded self was so sensitive to criticism and actively rebellious toward his supervisors that he was frequently fired.

This is a very common pattern with many dependent and angry young men as they direct the full force of the anger in their wounded selves toward “safe” authority figures on whom they can vent their frustration. An employer or boss is safer than the parent because getting fired does not endanger the tie to the family. More concretely, there was no chance that Richard would be asked to leave his home, because he was fired from his job as a meter-reader for the public utility company—a position his family considered beneath him in the first place.

At home, Richard’s unmet dependency needs and resentment allowed him to take money from his parents long after he should have been supporting himself. He also took perverse satisfaction in social situations when he was regarded as a family embarrassment by his prominent parents, who made up false stories about his success. In our work together, it took Richard a year before he let go of the fantasy of his parent’s “goodness,” which was the cornerstone of his defensive attachment to them.

The moral defense works in parallel with the splitting defense to keep the child, and later the young adult, attached to parents who have continually failed to meet his or her emotional and developmental needs. The most unfortunate result of this defense is the destruction of the child’s, and later the young adult’s, confidence in him- or herself. Many children who use the moral defense get so used to taking the blame that they become easy targets for emotional exploitation when they finally get out into the world.

I wish to express my appreciation to the many individuals who offered help and support during the writing of this book. Special thanks goes to Stephen Krupa, who offered an insightful critique of the work as well as enthusiasm and encouragement. Thanks also goes to Robert Barasch, Ph.D., who likewise was helpful with his comments and suggestions. I am also indebted to my two editors, Leonora Gibson at Wesleyan University Press, who offered direction and support at the outset of the project, and John Michel at Columbia University Press, who brought the project to fruition.

Finally, I again express my appreciation to my wife, Veronica, who has been a constant source of encouragement throughout my career. OceanofPDF.com INTRODUCTION One of the very first patients I worked with was a young athletic trainer who bore a striking resemblance to Robert Redford. At first glance, I couldn’t imagine what could be troubling to such a handsome and graceful young fellow, although I was soon convinced that he was indeed in need of my help, as he was plagued by recurring depressions.

This surprised me, because his youth and robust appearance gave him an air of confident well-being. However, as he began to describe his life to me, I became convinced that he had every reason to be depressed. He had been raised by cold and uncaring parents who appeared perfectly normal to those outside of the family. His mother kept a clean house and served well-prepared food, but behind closed doors she demonstrated little interest in or emotional attachment to her son.

She spent every afternoon watching soap operas, and my patient soon learned not to disturb her when he came home from school. He spent much of his time in his room building plastic models of ships and planes. Similarly, his father appeared on the surface to be a good father, in that he was both dependable and a good provider, yet he was almost completely unresponsive to his son’s emotional needs. My patient characterized his childhood experience as like living in a “private and secret orphanage.”

This is a short excerpt from the opening of “” by Unknown, quoted for review and introduction purposes. All rights belong to the copyright holders.

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• Pages: 160
• Language: English (en)

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