Desire – Jay Stringer

This isn’t about buying chocolate or their favorite whiskey because they had a tough day. It’s a willingness to study their story, discern what has broken their heart, and imagine where they have the greatest potential to become fully alive. If you do not know your partner’s story—really know it—you cannot love them in a meaningful way. Only through intentional sharing and attunement of each other’s dreams, hurts, and the forces that have shaped our hearts can we learn to love each other in a way that could truly transform us.

One of the best ways to grow closer is to better understand each other’s heartache and joy. Let’s look at two actions you can take to build intimacy through sharing stories. Action 1: Identify Three to Five Formative Stories of Heartache in Your Partner’s Life Begin by expressing your desire to learn more about the formative stories that have shaped your partner’s life, particularly those marked by heartache.

These narratives might include experiences such as parental neglect, emotional abuse, childhood trauma, body shame, or discrimination. Ask if they’re open to sharing a few of those, and, if so, schedule a time and place for them to do so. When the time arrives, your role is to be an empathetic witness. Avoid offering advice, suggesting relevant resources, or trying to act as their therapist.

Instead, focus on offering empathy and being curious about how these experiences might be impacting them today. There may be stories you’ve already heard portions of, or there could be entirely new stories they haven’t shared before. The Desire Workbook includes space for both of you to write detailed accounts of one or more of the stories on your respective lists.

After writing, you and your partner can decide whether to read your stories aloud to each other or silently. To enrich the experience, gather photos and/or video clips from the age(s) at which the stories took place. Finding someone who listens and engages with stories of shame and pain is rare, whether in romance or friendship. While our closest relationships can indeed be the source of our greatest wounds, they also hold the potential for the deepest intimacy. By showing compassion for your partner’s heartache, you demonstrate that pain can be a bridge rather than a barrier to intimacy.

Action 2: Identify Three to Five Formative Stories of Joy and Purpose in Your Partner’s Life The next step is to ask your partner to share stories that have ushered in great beauty or meaning in their life. These could include simple childhood joys, like the carefree delight of riding their bike around their neighborhood, cherished moments with a beloved grandparent, or significant achievements that showcased their creativity.

“Finally, a book that lays out a road map for you to understand your core desires, giving you a clear path and tools to build a life where your desires are satisfied and prioritized, instead of hidden and riddled with shame.” —connor beaton, founder of mantalks, author of Men’s Work “Jay Stringer offers his readers empathy, understanding, and a demand that desire be taken seriously in all with which God has imbued it and imagines for us.” —curt thompson, md, author of The Soul of Desire OceanofPDF.com by Jay Stringer Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow OceanofPDF.com OceanofPDF.com OceanofPDF.com convergent An imprint of Random House A division of Penguin Random House LLC 1745 Broadway, New York, NY 10019 convergentbooks.com penguinrandomhouse.com Scripture quotations marked (niv) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®.

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide (www.zondervan.com). The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica Inc.® Copyright © 2026 by Jay Stringer Penguin Random House values and supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission.

You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin Random House to continue to publish books for every reader. Please note that no part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner for the purpose of training artificial intelligence technologies or systems. Convergent with colophon is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC. Hardcover ISBN 9780593728277 Ebook ISBN 9780593728284 book team: production editor: Mark Birkey • managing editor: Allie Fox • print production manager: Jenn Backe • copy editor: Phil Newman • proofreaders: JoLeigh Buchanan, Michael Fedison, Rachael Clements, Jennifer Hilty • indexer: Gina Guilinger Title page image from AdobeStock/Hurca!

Book design by Barbara M. Bachman, adapted for ebook by Kyle Madigan Cover design: Pete Garceau Cover image: Getty Images The authorized representative in the EU for product safety and compliance is Penguin Random House Ireland, Morrison Chambers, 32 Nassau Street, Dublin D02 YH68, Ireland. https://eu-contact.penguin.ie ep_prh_7.3_155285151_c0_r0 OceanofPDF.com Contents dedication author’s note introduction chapter one: The Five Core Desires PART ONE: A Desire for Wholeness chapter two: Let the Excavation Begin chapter three: How Was My Relationship to Desire Formed?

chapter four: How Does Trauma Shape My Desires? PART TWO: A Desire for Growth chapter five: Welcome to the Crucible chapter six: Do I Have Hospitality for the Struggles I Face? chapter seven: How Am I Burdening Others with My Need for Validation?

This is a short excerpt from the opening of “” by Unknown, quoted for review and introduction purposes. All rights belong to the copyright holders.

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