Funny Kid Seriously Soccer – Matt Stanton (1)

I hope it’s not Snowdrop! But it does smell like a farting corpse in there, so they’ve moved us to the library while Mr Bert investigates. We’re supposed to be doing a comprehension worksheet, which is a great opportunity for me to do something else instead. Like work on some jokes. Saturday might be our first soccer game, but it’s also my first half-time show and I want to make sure it’s really funny. I keep thinking about Grandpa’s advice.

I want to make sure my jokes perfectly match my audience. I’ve grabbed a piece of paper from the photocopier and written ‘Soccer Jokes’ at the top. That’s as far as I’ve got. ‘Is that going to be a list of jokes or just a list of your players?’ Abby plonks herself down on the other side of the table from me. ‘Either would work.’ I shrug. ‘Taking things seriously isn’t really my strength,’ I reply. ‘It’s okay, Abby. I know my team stinks.

I’m big enough to face the facts. You’re going to thrash us on Saturday, but that’s all right because I don’t really care. I’m going to focus on making everyone laugh.’ I try to come up with an opening joke, but Abby folds her arms and glares at me. I try to ignore her, but it’s like trying to pretend a T. rex in a tutu isn’t there when it actually is. You can’t do it. I drop my pencil on the table and sigh.

‘What?’ I ask Abby. ‘That’s not what a coach does,’ Abby says, like she’s prodding me with each word. ‘A coach encourages their team. Defends their team. I’m supposed to tease your team and you’re supposed to tease my team back. Not agree with me!’ I shrug. ‘Guess I just haven’t caught soccer fever, have I?’ I say. Abby fumes. ‘How are we going over here?’ Miss Sweet approaches. ‘Are you two working hard on your comprehension?’

This ebook contains the following accessibility features which, if supported by your device, can be accessed via your ereader/accessibility settings: Change of font size and line height Change of background and font colours Change of font Change justification Text to speech Page numbers taken from the following print edition: ISBN 9780733342028 OceanofPDF.com Dedication If you love soccer more than books, I get it. I made this book for you. OceanofPDF.com Contents Note to Readers Dedication Chapter 1: Gotta have a goal! Chapter 2: Head butt!

(Now say it in reverse) Chapter 3: Dodge the sausage! Chapter 4: Zzzzzzz . . . Chapter 5: Cover your mouth! Soccer fever! Chapter 6: Quiet! We’re in the library. Chapter 7: The best idea since butter baths! Chapter 8: I love Linda! Chapter 9: I thought this was a non-contact sport! Chapter 10: I hate Linda! Chapter 11: Toilet training Chapter 12: Poor snowdrop Chapter 13: Some ancient soccer history Chapter 14: Fever dreams!

Chapter 15: It’s the price of admission. Chapter 16: The Big Game Chapter 17: Finally, the important bit. Chapter 18: Was it something I said? Chapter 19: Dream-wrecker! Chapter 20: Soccer. Seriously? Chapter 21: Painting the soccer balls red! Chapter 22: Meet Mr Stinky! Chapter 23: The Big Game. Again. Chapter 24: The Miracle at Burp. Chapter 25: The Finnegan Fountain! Chapter 26: Goal!

Bored Series The Odds Series Fluff Series Sneak Peeks Email Matt Stanton About the Author Copyright OceanofPDF.com 1 Gotta have a goal! Tap. Tap. Tap. ‘Is this thing on?’ I say into the microphone. A squark of feedback comes from the little speaker beside me. I adjust the mic stand because that’s what I’ve seen the professionals on TV do.

Huh. It’s already as low as it can go. I guess I’ll just stand on my tiptoes. My tummy is quivering inside. This is a big moment. I’m nervous. Some kids dream of being sports stars. Others dream of being celebrity chefs. Some kids dream of being firefighters or teachers or the person at the hospital who catches babies when they’re born.

Not me. I dream about being a stand-up comedian on TV. And this is an important moment in achieving that goal. Because right now, I’m a stand-up comedian on a street corner. Hugo gives me a thumbs-up.

This is a short excerpt from the opening of “” by Unknown, quoted for review and introduction purposes. All rights belong to the copyright holders.

Book Information

• Unique ID: a55d556dbb11a685
• File Extension: .pdf
• File Size: 11,624,920 bytes (11.086 MB)
• Title: –
• Author: Unknown
• ISBN: 9780733342028, 9781460714249
• Pages: 183
• Language: English (en)

Reading & Word Statistics

• Estimated Reading Time: 97.44 minutes
• Total Words: 19,487
• Total Characters: 105,135
• Average Words per Page: 106.49
• Average Characters per Page: 574.51

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